Who wears a wallet chain?!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
