dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize