I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
even my farts smell like vagina
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
