yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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