I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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