3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
