I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
