"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
