My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
