Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
