dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
