He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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