My Higher Power is John Stamos
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
