do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
