I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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