in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I am available for nakedness
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
