im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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