Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
