This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
