The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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