Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
