I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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