This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
