I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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