so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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