I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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