i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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