The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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