im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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