It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
