Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just found a bag of teeth...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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