Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
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