coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize