Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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