im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
false alarm. still invincible.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize