"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
