your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
