Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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