Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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