I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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