Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
