My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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