i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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