Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
