"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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