Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The beer is more important than you right now.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
