My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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