Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
