I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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