i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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