Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think my vagina is haunted
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
