is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
