Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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