When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
