Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
