You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
