I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
