My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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