Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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