maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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