I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
