well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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