My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
