At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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