i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
