Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
